Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas is just an orgy of consumerism! It should be called Ca$hmas!

Alright Christmas is over. It is officially "return the useless shit people got you" day!! I couldn't be any more happy to see Christmas go this year!
Every year its gets more and more expensive! I'm fed up with the insanity that takes over the nation at this time of year! Everywhere you turn there are commercials showing the latest Christmas must have items/ gadgets & presents for our loved ones which hassle most of us into spending large unnecessary sums of money!

The birth of Christ has nothing to do with Christmas anymore and i know its been this way for a long time but its finally slapped me in the face. And what used to be my favourite time of year may just have been ruined. There is more traffic which i hate, im always late and this makes me even more late. There are longer lines everywhere, restaurants, supermarkets etc..... which is more than trying my patience because it takes forever to get through. & worst of all I spend way too much and at the end of the day have nothing to show!
There is also an increase in crime and as result i lost a relative 3 days ago. Gunmen robbed and shot him. As a well known business he has always been a target. He gets robbed all the time but on Thursday, he died unfortunately. Even though we were not very close it still hurts & more so when i think about his family. I can't imagine what they must be going through. It cant be easy to loose your husband/ father 3 days before Xmas.

I'm not an overly religious person and to be quite frank Christmas for me never had anything much to do with Christ. It was always about presents, xmas dinner and getting a break from school. But this year, not even those things are at all appealing to me.
I've come to the sad realisation that Christmas is now just a tool used by the government and those in power to entice people into working all the hours God gives them in the hope of achieving the Christmas dream, which mostly involves a comfy christmassy house and expensive presents.
Therefore this year, i took a stand and refused to give into the orgy of consumerism. I didn't buy anyone any gifts. All of my loved ones got hugs and prayers. These are the things we need most these days!!

I'm not against having a good time and enjoying the seasons festivities. I just wish people didn't do it in excess and remembered and appreciate the real meaning of Christmas!
I think its meaning is what we make it. Christmas shouldn't be about tacky decorations, stupid plastic Santas & presents!!  Lets make it less materialistic and less commercial. Lets make it a time for peace, love, family and togetherness.
                                               MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

                                                                             Stiff Upper Lip xxx

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Vaginal breath mint anyone???

I'm sure its no secret that many of us women like receiving oral sex and often wish it lasted longer than it usually does but its also no secret that it leaves many of us with a feeling self consciousness. This I know for sure, women talk & we talk a lot.
Well with the introduction of LINGER, there is no need to be uncomfortable anymore.
Linger is a tiny tablet made with natural ingredients that is inserted into the vagina to create a clean peppermint taste for up to 2 hours.
Linger adds promise to remove any self doubt in women and allow for increase overall oral sex quality and length.

Hmmm well while this seems to be a nice product, i will have to decline, since i don't need it. My vagina already tastes like a cool crisp winter breeze. Not to mention smells like a batch of fresh clouds on a beautiful sunny day! Assuming clouds would smell heavenly!
Now i could list a number of my own reasons why i think this idea blows but instead will post some comments made by a number of people who i would love to give big hugs for sharing my thoughts!!

                        I hope you guys Enjoy these as much i did!!!!

This product seems redundant to me. Am I the only one who douches with Listerine? Oh and when are they coming out with the companion ball wipes?

This is such a stupid idea! However, if they could make it into a chocolate sundae flavor...
Now whenever I kiss my girlfriend with minty breath she is going to be wondering what my tongue has been up to.

WHO the fuck would WANT a 'vaginal candy'? That's just stupid! Just another product promoting the idea that vaginas are dirty and smelly. Fuck that noise.
(Vagina + sugar ) This is not going to end well.

"Removes any self-doubt" sounds a little too "let's promote extra vagina shame!" for me. I don't hear men plotting to dangle air fresheners off of *their* junk, so, yeah, there we have it. Also, my coworker just added: "You gotta wonder about the rejected flavors, right?" Causing us to brainstorm for the last several minutes on what said rejected flavors might be.    
Barbecue?  Cool ranch?  Buffalo chicken?  Pad Thai?  New car scent?
Peppermint Pussy!
Cranberry Coochie!
Blackberry Bush!
Sizzlin' Strawberry Slit!

Peppermint Patties or Peppermint Pussies, what a choice! Does it guarantee that my girlfriend will let me watch football in peace? If so, call me Mr. Fresh Breath.

Dear women: the natural state of your body is off-putting. Ergo, you do not deserve to have oral sex performed on you unless you make your cunt into a breath mint.

Are my vagina teeth not clean enough?

Maybe they could go in the other direction as well, and make vagina flavored mouth mints for those of us who can't get enough of the flavor....That was the first time I have ever had to specify that mints are intended for the mouth as opposed to another orifice.

I think the important thing to remember here is that there was not just one, but a SERIES of board meetings where people in suits sat around looking gloomy while trying to seriously come up with:

1) a new product concept where: "vaginal flavoring" was one of the viable contenders;

2) product research and testing was not only funded, but procedures and quantitative studies enacted, complete with surveys;

3) focus groups and test markets were researched, selected, tested, and thoroughly interviewed most likely with before, during and after images (the most frequently noted question being "will this turn my tongue green?" apparently no one bothered to ask the female participants of any concerns they may have had;

4) marketing and public relations were brought in to discuss the market value, cross-demographic appeal, and appropriate vehicles for communicating the benefits of the product, wherein "snarky blogs" surfaced as a POSITIVE idea.
Clearly, this company's stock is rising.

"Linger: allowing women to linger on thoughts of inadequacy and sexual shame longer" or "Don't worry straight ladies, you'll never have to give a blow job again because he'll be too busy and there's no way he'll shove that up his shaft!
These comments are brought to you as a result of mock marketing research done by the church of Scientology!!! Courtesy of  "Sex and the Windy City" at CHICAGO
                       I couldn't have said it better!!     

If you don't find these comments funny and you actually support "team Linger".....YOU SUCK!                                                   
                                                                          Stiff Upper Lip xxx

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Decorate your Cooter if you must!!!

The new ways to decorate ones lady parts!!     
                                             What will they come up with next??

VAJAZZLING, is the act of having rhinestones or swarovski crystals applied to ones waxed vagina.
Okay so i know what you guys must be thinking....... that i'm not just a little BUT a LOT late. Well i'm not, i just didn't think the "vajazzling" trend would catch on, on the island, but i hear more and more young women talking more and more about it. I will admit that it is kinda cute but a no no for me. However if you guys want to decorate your privates with little crystals then go for it.

As far as i'm concerned, i don't think our vaginas are that attractive in the first place and any attempt to jazz them up makes it even worse. So Vajazzling my snatch would be like putting blush and eyeliner on my pet dragon. lol
The last thing i want is some dude staring up my cooter during sex, therefore adding accessories, would only attract more unwanted attention, and is the last thing i need!!!!!
Another thing, its not cheap and i am. It can range anywhere from US$50 to $115 and only lasts for about 5 days or even less time due to the friction during sex. Plus i keep cringing at the thought of potential condom tearage depending on how far down the jewels extend AND the ingrown hair situation especially with the glue and crystals blocking new growth. :-/

But whatever, at the end of the day i don't judge and i don't care what you do with your vajayjays. If sparkly bits make you happy then vajazzle away && OH before i forget its not just a" female thing" anymore more, as more men are getting in on the action. Penazzling is catching on. Hahahahahaa i won't get into that!!

VATOOING, is a temporary tatoo that gets spray painted on your lady parts And the most recent way to make your vaj fancy with all sorts of shapes and colours. It costs $115 and lasts for seven days during which you should try to avoid friction.
Vatooing i like much better than vajazzling but i have more important things to spend my money on, like shoes & make up!!!!!
                                                                      Stiff Upper Lip xxx

Friday, November 19, 2010

Your "Best" is not always good enough!!!!!

TGIF!!!!!!!!  Like seriously!!
I couldn't be happier to see a new day. Thursday was basically a shit day. :(
Okay so i'm very competitive when it comes to certain things and i hate to loose at such things.
I'm a sore loser but what can i say? Shoot me........Whatever!!! NObody likes to loose!
Like my mother always says ,"Show me a good loser, And ill show you a loser"!!  Now  i don't know about you but Its a definite blow to my ego. Loosing makes me angry. It should make us all angry But we should take our anger out on ourselves  never on your teammates or victorious opponent, unless they won by cheating & you find out.

Not achieving what you want is bad enough already. Which is why i wish people would refrain from saying stupid things like "Oh don't worry, You tried your best and thats all that matters" "Better luck next time" etc etc.... & other similar quotes.
I appreciate the sympathy and all but ummmm Please just shut the fuck up. 'My best' obviously wasn't good enough you retard!! I think people should have their eyes sporked out for such comments. I always do it in my mind!!! Its awesome! lol Yessssss i'm evil.
Sometimes in life you will loose no matter how hard you try. I know this, matter of fact, we should all know this. Loosing is hard to deal with but you just can't win them all. There will always be someone out there who is, stronger, faster, better looking, smarter, more prepared, more talented or just plain better than you.
                                     Such is LIFE!!
                            And i get that but the FACT is
I lost and it was something that i really wanted. & obviously working my ass off was not enough. So i really don't want to hear thats its "okay" because i tried my hardest. It may be ok to you but bear in mind that i let MYSELF down, not just you so excuse me for not being a "good loser". Why the fuck should i be graceful about loosing??! This will only happen if i really didn't give a flying fuck about winning in the first place. In that case i could care less about what comes out of your mouths but if after not getting what i want, I get angry and emotional please think before you talk.
Because i just might snap and hit you in the face with my elbow! & if i do oh well!!

                                                                     Stiff Upper Lip xxx

Monday, November 8, 2010

In REALITY most ugly ducklings stay UGLY!!!

As you all know, i cant stop playing Katy Perry's latest album. The song "Not like the Movies" is great, i really like it and can actually relate a little, due to my many failed relationships. But apart from that the song is irritating. She's basically saying that when you find your better half it should be "just like the movies", "cinematic and dramatic". ;-/ The line i find most annoying is "Snow White said when i was young, one day my prince will come so i wait for that date"!!! Really lol well looks like Snow was a big fat liar wasn't she!!

Now, if you're at all anything like me, you didn't spend your childhood watching movies like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella.
I never bought into these Fairy Tales, even though i have read and watched most of them. I hated those "perfect, romantic" love scenes and listening to the princesses sing about finding their prince, being saved and living happily ever after. Because (1) I hate musicals and (2) It was always the same kind of scenario, princess in trouble, prince comes and saves her from the bad guy, and then they live "happily ever after". BORING!!! One i do remember reading more than once, is Pocahontas, this one i liked better than the rest because the ending was different, she didn't end up with her prince, he had to leave her. I thought it was great but then they ruined it for me with a part 2, where he went back for her. & the rest was BLAHHhhhhh!!!
Fairy Tales annoyed me from an early age because i've always been a pessimist! And a sceptic, i often wondered why there were never any endings with the princess saving the prince or being self sufficient enough to save herself!!!

Based on "Not like the movies" and other songs like it, it is evident that Fairy tales give girls a sense of false hope and self!! They embed in us an idea that the perfect man is supposed to one day come and rescue us from our pitiful lives. And when it doesn't happen we kill ourselves wondering what the hell went wrong. This is all true. However, not to be a complete Debby Downer, i will agree that on the flip side, fantasies do give us something to believe in, which is lacking these days. They encourage us to use our imagination and help us to practice some kind of faith by believing in things that are real but cannot be proven or seen.

With that said ...... back to my point...... In real life there isn't always a prince or a happy ending!! What most of you don't know is that "Disney" is a liar!!!! The the original stories are far from romantic.
Sleeping Beauty was a rape victim, Cinderella was a murder, Rapunzel escaped using her own wits, the Little Mermaid became sea foam! Trust me i could go on. I've done my research. Disney has cleaned up these tales and changed the endings to avoid dealing with the harsh realities that the originals addressed, which has perpetuated the stereotypes and false realities and SADLY this is actually what pleases the populace. Which is even better for Hollywood, that means more $$$$$ which is all they really care about!!
Don't get it twisted, i really don't mean to sound anti Disney because in truth, i'm not, i still watch and enjoy the movies. I love Shrek.
What i'm against, is their encompassing influence on the modern knowledge of fairy tales. Their versions create too many misconceptions for children. Life isn't black and white, There isn't always a princess in need of saving, bad guys and good guys are never even the least bit defined. Although it would be nice if they were!! Hhmm

All Fairy tales were created to send a message and i can appreciate that. Most of the time the message being that, you should always hope for the best, work hard, believe in yourself and you can achieve your dreams. But what they leave out is that you can only get what life is willing to offer & that "LIFE" can be pretty shitty......therefore expect shit!!! And if you want to pretend that it isn't shit & that it doesn't stink, you are an idiot not an optimist. There is no point in hoping for something you know you will never achieve.

All i am saying is that fairy tales give some of us a skewered sense of reality which makes for bitter disillusioned adults. They build us up to knock us down.
Its best to create your own Fairy tales. Rely on your selves to make your happy endings. Be an optimistic realist!! One who sees that life is harsh but can be good, despite the worst circumstances!!!!! So even if the ugly duckling doesn't become a beautiful swan in the end, life goes on, make the best of it.
Your life will never be perfect, you won't find the perfect man, he doesn't exist, some of us will die alone so don't shoot for happily ever after, getting to "ever after" is hard enough!!   BUT
Before you hang yourselves.......i didn't say the perfect ending is impossible to find.......what i said is that its ALMOST impossible!!!
Someone once told me, not to look for the perfect someone but the someone you can have something close to perfect with.
This i already knew but was happy to hear it from an adult, even if she was just bitter and alone!!
                                                                                       Stiff Upper Lip xxx

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Put Katy Perry's Teenage Dream on your Ipods NOW!!!!

When Katy Perry first grabbed national attention with her 2008 hit song “I Kissed a Girl” she seemed as if she was the definition of a one-hit wonder. But she’s scored several hits since the initial breakthrough, including with her recent chart success of “California Gurls,” track 3 on her recent album TEENAGE DREAM!!  
“Teenage Dream" is a kind of pool-party-pop gem full of SoCal ambience and disco beats. It’s miles ahead of Perry’s breakthrough disc, One of the Boys, with her clever songwriting boosted by top-dollar pros like Dr. Luke, Max Martin, Tricky Stewart & Stargate.
It makes for the perfect sundrenched soundtrack. Although many critics say the album is just lightweight stuff, I think it is a must listen. It has it's charms and has satisfied fans such as myself as I have been blasting it since its release and still can't stop. I love every single track. Most are easy to relate to.

1. Teenage Dream
2. Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)
3. California Gurls
4. Firework
5. Peacock
6. Circle the Drain
7. The one that got away
8. E.T. (Futuristic Lover)
9. Who am i living for
10. Pearl
11. Hummingbird Heartbeat
12. Not like the Movies

I definitely have my favourites on the album.  "Circle the Drain”  which is aimed at her ex, Gym Class Heroes’ frontman Travis McCoy. She  condemns his excessive use of drugs and the role he wanted her to play in their relationship, “Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother… Had the world in the palm of your hands but you fucking choked.” I relate well to this one. “Pearl” a good song, comes close to a touching story (reflecting on a crumbling character who is in a suffocating relationship, only to reveal that the character is—surprise—her). She simply wants us to know that we can get out and move on to a better place in life as she has, with fiance Russell Brand.  "Who am i living for" and "Firework', an inspirational upbeat song. 
To be honest the first time i heard firework i cried, it was exactly how i was feeling at that point in time. Which made me a little jealous of Katy. Sometimes i get jealous of artists because they have the ability to describe my feelings better than i can. 

What i like about Perry & what continues to separate her from her contemporaries isn’t her sound but her hands-on approach to the actual songwriting behind her albums. With Teenage Dream there isn’t a single track where she doesn’t receive a songwriting credit. No matter where you stand on any other aspect of the album, she should definitely be praised for that. 

I give it a 4 out of 5. DO YOUR-SELVES A FAVOR!! Give the album a listen, i promise you wont be completely disappointed. 
However, if you don't like it, oh well
                                                                             Stiff Upper Lip xxx

Friday, October 29, 2010

A Town to Avoid

Have you ever heard of "Gossip Town" on the shore of falsehood Bay, where Old Dame Rumour in rustling gown keeps travelling the livelong day.

It's not too far to Gossip Town for people that want to go, the idleness train will take them down in just an hour or so.

The Thoughtless road is a popular route and most folk start that way but its a steep down-grade and if you don't watch out, you'll end in Falsehood Bay.

You slide through the valley of Vicious talk and into the tunnel of Hate, then crossing over the Add to bridge you walk through the city gate.

The principal street is called "They Say", "I've heard" is the public well and the breezes that blow from Falsehood bay are laden with "don't you tell".

In the middle of the town is Tell Tale Park. You are never quite safe while there, for the owner is Madam Suspicious Remark, who lives on the street Don't Care.

Just back of the park is Slanderers Row, "Twas there that Good name died, pierced by a dart from jealousy's bow, in the hands of Envious Pride.

From Gossip Town, peace long since fled,
But trouble and grief and woe and sorrow and fear you will meet instead, If you ever care to go.

At age 10, i found this poem in my Uncle Paul's bag, which i don't think i was suppose to be in. But it doesn't matter now because reading this totally captivated me. It changed my life and kept me out of a world of trouble.
I've always loved this poem and just thought id share it, with the hope that it will get the attention & serve as guide for some other pre teen or teenager somewhere out there.

                                                                                              Stiff Upper Lip xx

Thursday, October 28, 2010

My HANDBAG can save your LIFE!!!!! CAN YOURS??

I have always had an obsession with oversized  handbags, which have become a popular fashion accessory these days. The bigger the better is what i've always said. Whether it is the Hobo, the Cross Body bag, the Satchel or the Shoulder bag. The more compartments they have, the more they can hold and the more excited i get.
I rarely carry around clutches & only when the occasion or outfit requires it. As odd as carrying a tiny clutch makes me feel, they also serve an important purpose as there are certain outfits that i'll never pair my oversized bag with, Such as an evening gown, or any kind of evening wear or a sexy cocktail dress, wellllllllllll TBH, it can look great with a sexy little dress if paired correctly BUT remember, it depends on the dress and the occasion. Thats just my opinion though.

My bags are always packed with the very necessary as well as the very very unnecessary. As a result i'm constantly teased that my bags are "too big for me, making me look even more midget like than ever". Oversized bags do make us look smaller. It's a fact! They have a minimizing effect on our bodies and for most women, thats a good thing or possibly even a blessing. :-)
But get this, the same friends who are always having a laugh at my expense always acknowledge the fact that my need to carry around a BIG, heavy bag of junk is extremely beneficial to them. Whether its asking me to keep their things so they don't lose them or borrowing something that they need but couldn't be bothered to bring themselves.
Its even better if you have children or a husband!! Once again, your handbag becomes the receptacle for not only your essentials but theirs also, which could include diapers, wipes, functions as a diaper bag but doesn't scream look at me, i'm somebody's tired mom..... toys, chewing gum, candy, wallets, tablets, left overs and whatever else their pockets cant hold.

Never the less my friends always seem a little curious and unable to understand why i cant function without my giant bags of goodies.
Being the pessimist that i am, i'm almost always prepared for the worst because what ever can go wrong WILL go wrong. Therefore, I have the vital items of course, 3 different sized band aids, neosporin, nail polish, alcohol swabs, a nail file, a small bag of potato chips, an umbrella.... always, painkillers, straws and etc etc. You never know what you may end up needing on the road!!!

Apart from their carrying capacity, there is just something beautiful about large bags especially authentic designer totes!!!!! I have a special love for them. I think they're just designed to be really cool. I love how they look with mini skirts and heels, but they'll look just as good with what ever you decide to pair them with.

BUT what most women really need to know is ...........Your handbag and its contents can save Your life as long as you know how to use it!!!!!!!!!!

Yes ladies thats right. There are a number of handbag essentials that can help save your lives if used properly.
*Travel hair sprays/ breath sprays/ deodorant sprays / insect repellent sprays.
These can be used as a substitute for mace.

If for some reason you end up stuck in a bathroom or need to write a discreet SOS message to someone but you have no pen. You can write the message toilet paper or a napkin with the lipstick.  It also serves as a handy sunscreen if you find yourself at severe risk of burning.

*Tampons / Sanitary napkins
Both great to use as pressure pads for any injuries. Most commonly used to stop nose bleeds, as they are super absorbent and sterile. Also a great tinder for fires, in case you get yourself stuck outdoors & need to start one.

*iPods / Zune players
Always handy as a low light torch for emergencies.

Smashing a window needs a pointed object and requires less effort than you'd think. Cover your hand with a heavy fabric for example, denim and concentrate on the weakest point, which is the corner of the window.

Locked in somewhere? You can use your change to unlock and unscrew hinges. Larger coins are best when working with flat locks, while smaller coins fit into less bulky fittings, such as crew heads and hinges.

*Mobile phone camera
Camera phones come in very handy, whether you need to snap the license plate number of a dodgy motorist speeding away after an accident or a person you feel suspicious of, etc etc. Fact is they are invaluable.

*The BAG 
Never underestimate the power of your oversized bag itself to fend of attacks. In 2008, 22- year- old  Elizabeth Pettenger held up her bag when a thief shot at her. The bullet lodged in it, saving her life.
You can also use the bag as a weapon. Trust me, i don't think i would appreciate being hit with my bag.

Sooooo there you have it ladies!!! Hope this is helpful!!
& remember your bag like your shoes, will make or break your outfit. Choose wisely and be safe!!!!

                    Stiff Upper Lip xx

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Hi! Welcome to my blog!! :)

Hi guys...... Welcome!!
Soooooo this is my new blog!! As you can see its called "Stiffer Upper Lip"!! The correct term is actually "Stiff Upper Lip", a British saying which basically means displaying fortitude in the face of adversity or exercising self restraint in the expression of one's emotions.
Keeping a stiff upper lip is pretty hard to do and that's just the idea behind it. When someone gets upset, his lips usually tremble. Keeping a stiff upper lip is supposed to hide your emotions. This expression dates back to the 1800s, but is still used today.

Okay so enough of that i just wanted to give a brief explanation of what it is. 
I'm pretty sure that based on the title you will be expecting some of my posts to be about facing life's misfortunes bravely and resolutely. And you're right!!!! Some of them will be HOWEVER If you know me ...... you should expect the unexpected!!  

Those of you who know me personally will agree that I can be a very unique person!! I like to think of myself as interesting but I'm sure most of you will prefer to use words like random, nut-case, quirky, strange, hippie, gypsy, controversial, alcoholic, retarded (only slightly i think), unconventional, neurotic (yes but borderline) etc. The point is people think I'm crazy but i disagree to an extent, of course.

You'll like my Blog if you like:
English Banter    (which is a bit like pushing over old people) 
Bitch Fits
Vodka and Anarchy
Guys      (preferably HOT)
Art         (especially Abstract)
Bullshit & Debauchery
LIFE in general!!!!! & Whatever else becomes of interest to me!!! 


                                                            Stiff Upper Lip xxx